I like to think I’ve lived a long time, but I know in most people’s eyes I’m still a spring chick. I think the last 5 years have just felt really long because of all the ups and downs in my marriage, and then the 12 months of short slept nights with our 15 month-old son. Not to mention 3 different career paths, only to be halted for a time and transitioned into the stay at home mom-life. There has been so much light and beauty that shines through the cracks of those years, but the brokenness and scars remain, reminding me of the pain and consequences of sin I once had in life. When I look over my old journals or I write about my past, I still struggle with shame that follows my choices. I know Jesus came to despise shame (Hebrews 12:2) and no longer wants me to dwell in it, but my mind goes there (Colossians 3:1-4). I struggle to find hope in God as I wait on His timing, and discouragement from my history is flooding the promises for my future. Yesterday was one of those days. The heaviness of my past felt… burdensome. I couldn’t breathe deep cleansing breaths. My mind was clouded, and my heart was downcast. It rained last night, and when I went for my morning run there was a thick fog all around me as I put one foot in front of the other. Some days my humanity hangs dense around me, feeling almost impossible to plow through. Getting through the day felt like putting one foot in front of the other, not knowing which way to turn, and feeling exhausted at every turn. I was attempting to be hopeful and wait on God’s timing, but also letting myself get ahead of what God will do, and in that my mind wandered to what has been. It made me feel hope was illegitimate because of my failures. Even after going to church, reading scripture, praying with my husband, finding extra quiet time and self-care, and have a continually open-ended conversation with God on how I was struggling to release burdens, I couldn’t shake them. I would try to cast them aside but feel them rebound back on me. I was too stubborn, trying to control my will and emotions instead of surrendering everything: What I want and what I think God wants for my life.
This morning I was reminding to wait on God’s timing, to release my burdens, and to let Him love me. Letting God love me is releasing myself from the weight of yesterdays. My past has past, and Christ’s blood redeemed me from my mistakes. His love endures forever which means His forgiveness is everlasting. I am not what I’ve done but who God is continually making me to be, holy and set a part for His glory (Colossians 3:10). If I rest in that, my heart can be still and know His timing for the next steps in my life will come at the right time. When I wait, I can be renewed by His strength (Isaiah 40:31). He is good to those who seek and wait on Him (Lamentations 3:25). I am encouraged as I let go of trying to control what I want my life to become and bask in the promises of God’s mercy. I do not have to worry about what will be. None who wait on the Lord shall be put to shame! (Psalm 25:1).